


You Can't Fight Fate

by BesideTheDyingFangirl



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-22 04:22:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9583424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BesideTheDyingFangirl/pseuds/BesideTheDyingFangirl
Summary: "I wish I had told you sooner. I thought I had more time."Inspired by CSI: Crime Scene Investigation





	1. Two Little DAs

"You can't eat scrambled eggs without cheese. It's basically a sin," Charlotte joked, sipping her wine.

"Well, then I'm a sinner," Carisi laughed and Rafael shook his head.

"This is coming from the woman who pours her milk before her cereal. Think its safe to say she can't be _totally_ reliable when it comes to food."

"Oh ha-ha. I'm running late and mix up the order of my cereal tendencies due to lack of sleep ONE TIME," Charlotte rolled her eyes, "sue me, counselor."

Rafael's eyebrow raised, "that can be arranged."

Charlotte scoffed with a smirk and Carisi downed the rest of his beer, turning to the two DAs.

"Seriously, though, on the subject of court and on behalf of the squad, I wanna thank you both for what you guys did in the James case today." 

DAs Rafael Barba and Charlotte Meyers were joined by Detective Carisi from Manhattan SVU in a celebratory dinner after winning one of the most difficult cases this year has seen. It was no easy feat.

"Aw, hun, you don't have to thank us," Charlotte said shyly and Carisi continued.

"No, really, we know how hard this case was. The victims were...horrible, but you guys fought tooth and nail to get that win for them. Good job," he said, flashing a genuine smile.

"Praising us for doing our job, Detective? _Subtle_ ," Rafael said harsher than intended. Carisi tried to brush off his obvious mood change and turned to Charlotte.

"Well,I think I'm gonna head out. While the gettin's good, try scrambled eggs without cheese. You might like it," he teased, standing up and shrugging his overcoat on. He gives a final nod and heads out. Charlotte sets her drink down and turns fully to her colleague.

"What was that about? Why were you being rude?"

He sighs deeply and rubs at the side of his nose. "I'm sick of talking about work. Its always the victim _this_ and the suspect _that_...I just, I don't know."

Charlotte nods understandingly. She feels the same way sometimes. Getting justice for the victim is always rewarding in some way, but it is so emotionally draining at the same time.  

"I know, I know. But you shouldn't have snapped at Sonny like that. I think you should apologize." 

His head whipped towards her so fast it almost made her laugh.

"Do I have toooo," he whined out. It was weird - playful Barba wasn't someone she saw on a daily basis. Sometimes, after cases, they'd drink in their shared office and Barba would divulge in sharing embarrassing personal stories about himself or his friends. Theyd go back and forth with 'would you rathers' or talk about book and tv show suggestions. There was one time Charlotte was in a particularly sour mood after a horrible exchange with a suspects family and Barba put on slow oldies music and danced with her until she wasn't upset anymore.

It was safe to say that in the 5 years they worked together, through the good times and bad, they were always there for each other. They were comfortable around each other. They were best friends.

"Yes you have to, here," she said, sliding his phone over to him while he grumbled about how _Carisi is a kissass_ and _he'll probably forget about it in the morning_.

He tapped the screen, texting out a message, then turning it to Charlotte for her to read.

"Is this OK?" He asked, holding the phone in front of her.

 _Sry for being a dick, Caris-ass_.

"Caris-ass? Really?" 

"Hey, I apologized, you said nothing about throwing in another insult." He said, hands up in mock defense, Charlotte lightly hitting his shoulder.

His phone buzzed again and he snorted, showing her the screen.

_Its OK. Gotta come up with a better insult tho xD_

"I'll show him a better insult," he said to himself, texting furiously on his phone when it buzzed in his hand again. His expression fell and Charlotte noticed.

"What is it?"

He stared down at the screen, then looked around the room rapidly.

"Rafael, what is it?"

"We should go. Now." He said, footing the bill and grabbing his coat, also pulling Charlotte out of her chair.

"Why? Whats wrong? Lemme see the phone," she said nervously, taking the phone from his hands.

A picture was attached. Of them. At the bar. Not even 5 minutes ago. Laughing without a care in the world. It looked to be taken from outside, like someone was stalking them. But it wasn't the picture that shook Barba up, it was the caption.

 _Two little DAs jumping on the bed. One fell off and found the other one dead_.

She swallowed thickly as she looked up at Rafael. He looked absolutely angry, but Charlotte's expression was all fear.

"I thought these stopped, s-should we call Liv?" 

"Yeah, give her a call," he said, grabbing her hand and leading her toward the door, but then sitting at a table nearby. "Have you gotten any threats since Munson?"

She shook her head furiously, "No, it got really bad during the trial, you know, with the angry COs. But it died down right after."

"Well, if its the same person, they're getting careless. Blatant stalking out in the open? Either they're dumb or they're _really_ pissed at us," he chuckled humorlessly. Charlotte finished her call with Liv and sat nervously across from Barba, biting her lip in anticipation. Her feet tapping below the table drew the attention of Barba.

"Hey," he said, gently placing his large hand on her smaller one, "its gonna be OK. It comes with the job," he offered and she forced a smile. 

 

\-----

 

"So where are we with street views?" Olivia asked the squad and Fin tossed some papers aside. "TARU is workin' on cameras. Should have footage by the end of the day."

"Good," she nodded and turned to Rollins and Carisi.

"I want you two to look into any recent disgruntled people Barba and Meyers have come into contact with. That could be suspects, vics, family members of either- you know the drill," to which Carisi responded with a prompt 'on it, lieu.'

The lieutenant headed back into her office to collect her thoughts. Rafael and Charlotte were both very good friends of hers. She had a very gross feeling that these threats weren't like the empty ones they'd received previously. Something felt sinister, almost like she knew they had to act fast before it was too late. Taking it as a sign, she grabbed her telephone and put in a request for security detail for the two district attorneys effective immediately.


	2. Goodnight

"So what, we're just supposed to keep working?" Charlotte asked incredulously and Liv looked down. "We think it's best that you do, yes. Just until we get ahead of this. It's only been a week," she tried, but Charlotte shook her head with a heavy sigh, pacing behind a calm Barba.

It had been a week since he received the threatening text, and more followed thereafter. They weren't as threatening as the first, but Charlotte was still scared. 

"We have unis on you all day and posted outside your buildings at night. Nothin' is gonna happen, counselah," Carisi assured Charlotte, but to no avail. 

"Look, I appreciate everything that you guys are doing, but-"

"But what, Charlotte?" Amanda said, rather defensively. Everyone looked at her.

"We're doin' our damnedest to catch these people and if you think you can do better then-"

"Alright, that's enough." Liv said in a tone leaving no room for argument. Barba rubbed his temple as Fin cleared his throat before speaking.

"TARU got the footage and there 6 men outside that bar you two were at. All in dark clothes, hoodies - knew where the cameras were." 

"6?"

"What about Heredio, the one who threatened Barba on the court steps, has he-" 

"Locked up on a possession charge. My guess is he is out of the loop." 

"So we're back to square one; fantastic." Carisi said sarcastically and Barba stood from his seat.

"Can I have a moment to talk to Liv?" He asked everyone and they shared a look, then got up and left her office. It was just she and him.

He sat back down across from her desk.

"I think I'm the target here, Liv." Her eyes perked up and she leaned forward.

"Why? Did they say something? Did someon-"

"Heredio threatened _me_ on the court steps, not Charlotte. _I_ chose to prosecute the Munson case, not her. So if we are being threatened by the same people, they're just terrorizing her just for shits and giggles. Its working, too." He sat back against the chair angrily, and Liv bit her lip.

He continued. "She keeps spacing off, she looks over her shoulder every couple of seconds, its worse than last time. I really wish they would just leave her alone." 

"Barba, you both are scared and that's ok-"

"I'm not scared. I'm pissed. I gave them my address and they've yet to make an appearance, so, you tell me who's scared!"

Liv raised an eyebrow at his outburst, and he turned his head away, mumbling a _sorry_.

"Its fine, I get it. You are under a lot of stress. Look- just try and- try and be there for Charlotte. Shes taking this hard, you know? Get her mind off of everything. I'm sure the DAs office will understand if you take a day or two off." She tries and Barba sighs deeply.

"You think that will help?"

Liv smiled one of those genuine smiles that could make anyone's day brighter. "Yeah, I do."

 

\-----

 

"What do you wanna do?" Barba asked steering onto the road, protective detail quietly in tow.

"Idunno," Charlotte mumbled looking out the window.

He looked over at her, then a small smile played at the corner of his lips.

"Hey, what was that movie you wouldn't shut up about? Killing Bob?" He guessed and she chuckled.

"Kill Bill, its playing in the vaudeville rerun center. Why," she asked suspiciously, suddenly in a better mood and he grinned as he drove.

"Wanna go see it?"

"Really?! I've _only_ been trying to get you to watch it forever, Raf," she laughed and he rolled his eyes.

"Why do you wanna see it now all of a sudden?"

He bit his lip. "Well, because I feel like it. And because I finally IMDB'd it and everyone says its amazing. And because the third one is coming out and I haven't even seen the first." 

Charlotte pressed a hand to her chest in fake offense.

"I've been trying to pull your ass along to watch it with me and you decided to give in after reading someone _else's_ reviews?! I'm offended, square up," she punched him lightly on his arm. "Ow! I'm driving," He chuckled.

"We will have to let _Lee_ and _Carter_ know what we're doing," he joked pointing to the police behind them, making Charlotte laugh.

"Now there's movie series that needs another film. _Rush Hour 2_ was the funniest out of all 3 of them," she said.

"No way, the first one was the funniest!" He argued, and Charlotte scoffed.

"You're mistaken, counselor," she said and he pulled into the theatre parking lot. "The massage parlor scene _alone_ was what got that movie awards."

"Whatever. At least we agree the third one didn't make the list," he smirked as he turned off the engine.

 

\-----

 

"OK," Barba said, popping some leftover popcorn in his mouth, "is it bad I was kind of rooting for O-ren Ishii?"

"Yes, yes it is."

"She's so badass though."

"Not as badass as Beatrix."

"Yeah, I guess. Hey I bet I could work a katana like that," he said, swinging his arms around in a swiping motion while they walked out to his car.

Charlotte laughed loudly and he stopped with a smirky pout.

"What."

"Nothing," she said chuckling, then mumbled _O-ren_ under her breath, which he heard.

He walked up slowly to her, almost tauntingly.

"The price you pay for bringing up my badassery as a negative is..." He smirked, " I collect your fucking candy." 

Her laughter filled the parking lot as he snatched her Skittles out of her hands, eating them without a care in the world.

"Why are you such a nerd," she chortled and he opened her door for her with a big goofy grin.

 

\-----

 

The ride home was quiet. Not an uncomfortable quiet, but a peaceful quiet- the kind of quiet you have after spending an entire fun-filled day with a close friend. Rafael was feeling the breeze on his face from his open window when Charlotte turned to him.

"Hey, Rafi?" He blushed at the nickname.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for today."

He blushed even more. "You don't have to thank me." He pretended to look in his mirror just to avoid her gaze in his peripheral vision.

"I do too."

"Don't make it weird."

She chuckled, "I'm not, I appreciate you going out of your way to make me feel better. About all of this," she said, waving her hands around. 

"I'm not as brave as you."

"Char, stop."

"I mean, you really _are_ badass, you don't even bat an eyelash when you get one of their texts. It was nice to not look at our phones for a day, though," she adds, and he blinks. He isn't good at accepting compliments. _Was this a compliment? What is she trying to say?_

"I guess what im trying to say is-"

A car horn behind them blares, interrupting both of their trains of thought to indicate more than three seconds at a stop sign. Ah, the lovely security detail. _Perfect timing,_ he thought sarcastically _._

Rafael scratched the back of his neck as he pulled into her apartment complex. It was dainty but chic at the same time. He didn't realize how late it was.

"Um," she said awkwardly. "T-thanks again."

He smiled at her in response.

They gazed into each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Had his eyes always been this green? Had hers always shined the bright amber color? She looked away, remembering herself, a small smile on her lips as she unbuckled. "I would invite you up for some coffee but-"

"Yeah, I've got- I've got a thing. To do," he replied quickly and she nodded.

"Yeah, no, I get it. Me too."

"Yeah."

"Yup," she said, popping the 'p'. She was leaning through his passengers window.

They were smiling at each other.

"Goodnight, Rafi."

"Goodnight, Char."

Even as he was driving away, that loving grin didn't leave his face. Neither did hers.

 

\-----

 

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

It was three in the morning. All he wanted was a little sleep. But this wasn't the first time Liv has called him at an ungodly hour to come into the squadroom to assess a case or wake him up just to wake up a judge for a warrant.

 _Not tonight_. 

He put a pillow over his face, sinking deeper into the mattress.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

"Jesus, what the hell, Liv," he grumbled, snatching the phone from his nightstand.

Only it wasn't from Liv. It was from Charlotte.

 _Isn't she just the prettiest little thing, Prosecutor_?

His brows furrowed in confusion until he scrolled down a bit and saw that there was an attached a video.  Hesitantly, he clicked play.

_It was Charlotte, sleeping peacefully in her bed. It was dark in her bedroom, except for the flash from her phone camera being aimed her unsuspecting form._

Barba's heart dropped with dread.

_Whoever was filming her began to trace her exposed leg with his fingers. She twitched in her sleep, and he continued to do it until she stirred._

_"What the-" the room went dark, but the video was still playing._

_"H-hello?" She said weakly into the dark._

_She clicked on the lamp next to her bed, scanning her room until she laid eyes on the men before her._

Barba would never forget that bloodcurdling scream.


	3. You Can Only Watch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and feedback always welcome!

Rafael almost dropped his phone. His heart wasn't even beating at this point- it was humming. He quickly collected his bearings and picked up his phone again, immediately dialing 911. 

" _911 what is your emergency_?"

He rose to his feet, tugging his jeans on one leg at a time.

"Y-es, um, I think my friend is being attacked. Could you send help to her place?" He breathed anxiously, pacing the room.

" _Sir, what made you come to the conclusion that_ -"

"Look," he barked in annoyance, "I got a text. They were recording her sleeping and when she woke up, she screamed and the video ended. She lives in the Genevieve apartment complex, her apartment number is..." He tapped his head trying to remember the apartment number. He had been there a few times before, working on a case or just a casual get together. 

"Her apartment number is 7. You you have to hurry. _Please_ ," his voice began to lose its edge and he kicked his shoes on and snatched his keys out of the bowl by the door.

" _OK, I'm sending units over now. Can you stay on the ph_ -" he promptly ended the call and proceeded to call Liv as he hastened down the several flights of stairs. Thankfully, she picked up on the first ring.

"Barba, is everything-"

"Liv, they got to Charlotte. They have Charlotte," he said in a panicked tone.

"What? What do you mean?!"

"I don't know, I got a text, they were at her place," he really didn't feel like explaining again. He was beginning to feel like he may vomit.

"Just, meet me at her apartment. The police are en route and I'm on my way there now. Hurry," he said, clicking end.

The security detail standing at the front of Barba's building turned at the sound of his voice, furrowing his brows in confusion.

"Woah woah woah, Mr. Barba. Where do you think you're going?" He asked, blocking the entrance. It took everything in Rafael's power not to punch him just to get by.

"I have to get to Charlotte's. Get the hell out of my way," he said, trying to shove past the larger man but to no avail.

"Can't let that happen, sir. You're under a curfew, you can't-"

"Listen to me, asshole. The other person that your _motley crew_ is supposed to be protecting," he said crossly, "Could be hurt. Or dead. Now, either you can come _with_ me and do your fucking job, or stay here alone and guard an apartment building with no Barba. See how well that plays out for you." Barba knew that had this been played out in a fist fight, he would've lost. The man he was squaring up to was almost twice his size. His biting tongue, however, seemed to sway the guard and he moved aside to let Barba out, following him closely.

"Fine, but _I'm_ driving," the guard said.

 

\-----

 

Barba was thanking his lucky stars when they pulled up to Charlotte's complex. There were already 5 or so cop cars with flashing lights there.

 _Good_ , he thought, _maybe she's OK, maybe she's just a little spooked but unharmed_.

The car was barely stopped before Rafael jumped out and ran to the entrance.

He saw a familiar police officer talking to a younger cop and he went up to them.

"Hey, what's going on is she OK?" He asked breathlessly and the young cop looked down. Barba looked between the two of them.

"We don't know."

He blinked.

"What do you mean 'you don't know'? What does that mean," he asked impatiently.

"She's not up there," he said carefully, sensing a possible outburst from the aggrivated prosecutor.

He mumbled something in spanish under his breath as he hastened to her apartment, ignoring Liv's voice calling his name and Carisi's distinct accent asking what the hell happened.

He saw flashes coming from under her front door. Crime Scene Unit was already there. He fiddled with his hands a bit, nervous to go in. Finally, he closed his eyes briefly and swallowed, turning the knob slowly.

The sight before him made him clutch the door knob harder to steady himself. Her normally immaculate home was in shambles. Every single picture that hung on we wall now occupied the hardwood floors, glass askew. Lamps were broken, her loveseat was tipped over. Barba hadn't noticed Liv come up behind him, teetering on whether she should lead him away or leave him be. A small whimper escaped from his lips as he took in the sight, his eyes landing on the shredded pink nightie he recognized her wearing in the video that was sent to him. 

"Barba," Liv said softly, like how she talked to fragile victims. _Was Barba a victim? Charlotte seems to be one_.

His eyes watered as he looked down.

"You shouldnt be here. C'mon," she took his arm gently, pulling him away from the nightmare before him. He complied silently, not meeting Carisi's pitied expression or Amanda's shocked one. He walked quietly down the hall and to the lobby. 

"I dont know what happened, McCullers..." He heard a voice trail off, talking to another person. He looked up, confirming his suspicion that it was Charlotte's security detail. The one that was supposed to protect her. Worry and sorrow turned to rage as he snatched his arm out of Liv's grasp, her yelping in surprise. He stormed over to the offending man, completely irate.

"You fucking piece of shit, you were supposed to protect her! What were you doing!" He bellowed, all eyes in the room turning to him. Carisi ran up to the two of them and tried to pull Barba back.

"I swear, I don't know how this happened!" The man tried, but Barba shot daggers his way.

"Barba, come on man," Carisi tugged at Barba to take him away but Barba pushed him.

"You better fucking hope for your sake that she's OK. _Lo juro por dios-_ " 

"Barba, come on!" Carisi shouted, finally moving the enraged man away from the shaken guard. Liv and Amanda followed the pair outside, a mixture of shock and understanding on their faces.

"What the hell, Barba!" Carisi chasticed the older man in front of him, knowing full and well Barba didn't give a shit what was said to him right now.

"He had one job. _One. Job_ , Detective. No one in or out of the building that doesn't belong. It isn't difficult," he said calmer, albiet still a vicious tone present.

Carisi opened and closed his mouth, weighing his options. He was used to losing an arguement with Barba when he is in a _good_ mood. He did not want to argue with the man when he's in a _bad_ mood. He knew now that the sassy ADA packed a heated punch. He was ready to take out a man taller and stronger than he was, yet the other man was everything but shaking with fear. Carisi didn't admit it, but it was pretty neat seeing Barba lose his prim and proper lawyer image and go ham on someone.

"Rafael, why don't you come to the station with us. Give us your statement, tell us what happened, yeah?" Liv interrupted.

He took his eyes from the tall blonde detective and shifted them toward his friend and colleague.

"Sure. I've got nothing better to do," he said sarcastically, already walking to her car.

 

\-----

 

"So, you two went to see movie," Fin confirms, and Rafael nods.

"Yes."

Fin looks at him, expecting him to elaborate. He sighs heavily and continues.

"We had been getting death threats, as you already know, and so I took her to go see a movie, to get her mind off of everything." Fin nods, jotting down notes on his legal pad. Rafael was all too familiar with this process, only usually, he was behind the glass.

"After the movie, I drove her home. It was about 3 in the morning when I got the text. I thought it was Olivia asking me to wake up judge Barth for a warrant or something, but it was from Charlotte. Or at least, from her phone." 

Fin set his pen down and looked at Barba.

"Do you need a minute?"

"No I'm fine," he said quickly, "it was a text that said isn't she just the prettiest little thing, prosecutor?" He cleared his throat and continued.

"I thought maybe Charlotte was drunk texting me, wouldn't be the first time," he trailed off, thinking back to the time Charlotte texted him at an ungodly hour of the morning asking repeatedly why cats are afraid of cucumbers. It made him laugh, and he had asked her if she was watching cat videos on YouTube, to which she promptly replied with an _absolutely_.

"But then I saw the video that was attached." He said, handing his phone to Fin. He looked at Barba, as if to ask for permission, and Barba nodded slightly. He pressed play.

Barba turned his head when he heard the audio. He knew Liv and the others were looking in on this interview. He flinched slightly at the shrill scream, and crossed his arms. 

Fin sat back, processing what he just saw. Barba took this moment to steer attention away from him, not liking being vulnerable in front of others.

"Do we have anything? Did they send a ransom or a-a demand of some kind?"

Liv and Carisi walked in the room, sollem looks on their faces.

"Not yet," she said dejected and Barba's hopeful expression faded away. 

"Hey Barba, um, TARU needs your phone. So we can try and-" 

"Here," he said, shoving his phone toward the detective absentmindedly. Carisi mumbled a _thanks_ and left the room. 

Liv looked at her friend, usually vocal and confident. He was shaken to his core. She had never seen him so sad, so scared, and so angry before. "I'm gonna get some coffee. Want some?" She offered, hoping that would lift his spirits a little, considering his fondness for the drink. He forced a smile and shook his head no, going back into deep thought.

She looked at him a little while longer, wondering where this all went wrong. She agreed with him, they were after him, not Charlotte. So why take her? 

She had had her suspicions that Rafael and Charlotte had mutual feelings for each other. Whether or not they acted on them, she didn't know. But something in her gut tells her this all is to psychologically torment Rafael. Someone hated him enough to go after ones he was closest with. This was bad.

 

\-----

 

Rafael had fallen asleep on Liv's couch in her office. It had been a couple hours since the kidnapping of Charlotte Meyers, and they had nothing. He refused to go home until they had something - a lead, a ransom - anything that could lead them to Charlotte or the perpitraitors. Charlotte's phone was destroyed after the video was sent, so tracking her phone would be useless. Carisi and Amanda were helping TARU track and pinpoint cell towers from which Barba had been recieving the threats, which was proving to be harder than anticipated. Each text was sent from a different burner phone.

"Great," Carisi huffed running his fingers through his hair, "just great."

"They're being smart about this," Amanda commented grimly and Liv walked in, another tray of coffees in hand.

"Anything?"

"Not yet, L-"

"Wait a minute, we got somethin'!" One of the techs exclaimed and the entire squad crowded around.

"Rollins, go get Barba, quick!"

Amanda hastened into her office, spotting the sleeping man before her.

"Barba, wake up."

He stirred but didn't budge.

"Barba!" She said louder, shaking his shoulder roughly. He awoke with a start, a string of Spanish curses tumbling out of his mouth.

"We got something, come on!" She said, leaving the room, Barba fast behind her.

"What is it, what do we have?" Barba inquired, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Its a text. Unknown number," the tech explained and Barba got closer, now fully alert.

They hooked his phone up to the projector and the text was on full display.

 _You can't fight fate. You can only watch_.

Liv read the text aloud, each word dripping with disdain.

"What the hell does that even mean," Fin asked.

"Wait a minute," the tech said, "' _watch_ ' is underlined and blue. Its a hyperlink!"

Barba swallowed thickly.

"Well click it for Christ's sake!" Liv ordered and he complied.

A square popped up on the screen of the projecter. It was buffering.

Everyone was holding their breath, too afraid to look at what could be on the screen. Yet Barba didnt tear his eyes away, not even for a second. The video finally loaded, a _live_ symbol popping up on the right hand corner, along with a countdown, and their missing ADA appearing on the screen. 

"Oh- _oh my god_."

 

 


	4. This Is On Me

Charlotte's POV

_A beautiful day at the beach, sand between my toes, sun beating down on my skin. We had made sandcastles after a lovely picnic. Some Kind of Wonderful by the Drifters started to play and he grabbed my hand, pulling me up and dancing with me. Twirling me dramatically, I stumbled and tripped over my sandcastle, causing us both to laugh. I noticed he stopped laughing, stopped dancing, and looked up. He was looking at me with a fondness, a love. "You're so beautiful," he tells me, resting a hand on my cheek. A blush appears across my skin as he closes the distance between us, our lips connecting in a passionate sweep. We find our rhythm, until he pulls away to look at me again. Content, I look at the sun. Its getting brighter. Brighter. Brighter_...

 

Charlotte's eyes snapped open, the bright light blinding her eyes. A dull ache on the back of her head began to pulsate as she tried to collect herself. Cold air was cooling her, but where was it coming from? Her sight still hindered by the intense light, she felt around her. A square item next to her thigh caught her attention.

"What..." She mumbled in confusion and exhaustion as she pulled the device closer to her face for inspection. It was a tape recorder. Gulping, she looked for the play button, hoping for something that would tell her what was going on. She clicked the button.

" _Hi, Ms. Meyers_ ," said a male voice slowly, " _you're probably wondering why you're here. Can't blame you. The work that you do, the work that you both do, is what got you here, in this shitstorm you're in._

 _"He thinks he can play god? Huh? He thinks he can decide the fate of others? What gives him the right_ ," he spits venomously. 

" _What gives either of you the right! He's ruined my life. He's ruined a lot of people's lives."_

He paused, then chuckled.

" _He ruined yours, too_."

Charlotte's throat constricted with stress as the audio continued.

" _Well, we already had our fun with you. You're tight, I'll give you that_."

She looks down, now noticing she was wearing nothing but a dirty oversized t-shirt. She realized she was in pain between her legs. She choked out a sob.

" _We left this tape recorder for you. So you could listen to our message. So you can say your goodbyes to the squad, and to Rafael, because we know you have no family_ ," he laughed, " _We left the recorder, so when they find your body, they can identify you. Because either way you like it, you're gonna die here."_

The tape stopped and Charlotte's mouth hung agape. She tried to get up in a panic but her her knees hit something. She couldn't move very much. She frantically looked around and almost passed out.

She was in a clear plexiglass coffin. Buried. Surrounded by dirt on every side. 

"N-no.." She cried, trying to push the top off.

"No! Please no! Help me!" She screamed, slamming her palms on the walls, feet desperately kicking the bottom. 

"Please! Help me!"

 

\-----

Squad POV

 

"Oh-  _Oh my god!"_ Amanda squeaked, clasping a hand over her mouth. Liv's mouth was slack in shock and Carisi's eyes widened.

It was Charlotte, lying on her back in what looked to be a box of some sort. Bright lights inside the box illuminated her bruised and tear stained face, bringing her back to consciousness.

"No..." Barba whispered, tears brimming his eyes.

They didn't know what to do. They couldn't move. They were frozen in place.

Charlotte opened her eyes, blinking rapidly and looking around wildly. She opened her mouth but no sound came. There was no audio with the video. She pulled a tape recorder up to her chest, pressing play.

They could see the look of horror spread across her face as she listened on.

"This isn't happening..." Carisi said in disbelief, and as if on cue, Charlotte began to freak out. Even though they couldn't hear anything, she was obviously screaming for help, crying to be saved.

"That countdown...," Fin trailed off, "what happens at zero?"

"What do we do, w-what, what do we..." Barba tried to labor the sentence but couldn't think straight, not when he is physically seeing Charlotte live in a state if terror and knowing there's no way to help her right now.

A buzz on his phone startled the squad room. He didn't move. Didn't blink. He was numb. Carisi grabbed the phone and read the text aloud.

"' _You buried me. I buried her. Now, we're even_.'"

Liv turned to the squad, her wrath coming to a head. "Track this signal now. We need to find her. Find some suspects, bring them all in, no excuses." She took Rafael by the hand and dragged him into her office like a lost puppy. She had to physically sit him down in a chair. She was devastated by what she saw on the screen - Charlotte was her friend. But she needed be strong, for Rafael and the Squad. And for Charlotte. That was the only way they'd find her. She had to be strong.

"This is my fault," he whispered, looking at the floor.

"Rafa-"

"She's there because of me." Liv looked down. She knew better than to tell him how to feel and how to react to something as traumatic as this.

"They took her," he said, as if he was trying to comprehend the events himself.

"And they hurt her. D-did you see how she was dressed. She was in a T-shirt. They gave her a t-shirt, Liv." He said bitterly, clutching his hands into a fist. Liv's eyes began to water.

"They raped her," he said, looking up to Liv for confirmation. "Didn't they."

He stood up distraughtly and began pacing.

"We don't know that," liv said softly, biting back tears.

"Bullshit!" He snapped, "how-how many cases do we see on a regular basis, where a girl was kidnapped, is covered in bruises, wearing nothing but a nightgown or a dress or-or a t shirt but _wasn't_ raped," he shouted, throwing his hands up in exhasperation. Liv kept quiet.

"They took her, they r...they raped her," he winced, crying freely, not caring at this point, "and they buried her alive. She's terrified, she's all alone." His voice became quiet as he sat back down, knee bouncing. "She's all alone, Olivia. And its because of _me_ ," he points to his chest. 

"Rafael-" 

"She might never get out of there, Liv. She might never get to come to work or go to church or, or go to the park. She won't get to read her favorite books, or annoy me with dumb movie quotes," he cried. "I might never see her again. She might die...not knowing how much I love her."

Olivia looked up to meet his gape, her eyes wide at his revelation.

"She might die not knowing that for the past 5 years, my life has been so much better, just because I got to see her face. See her smile. Hear her laugh. That's on _me_."

He dropped his head in his hands and Liv sat there. She didn't know what to do. A tear slipped passed her eye. 

She had known Rafael for a long time. This man didn't love easily. A hard life growing uo will make a hard man, she supposed. It had taken years for him to stop calling her Benson and start calling her by her first name- even after they had been deemed friends. So for him to openly admit that he was in love with her, she knew, he was serious. He loved her. She knew in her heart that Charlotte loved him, but telling him so wouldn't help him or anyone at all. 

She slowly got up and sat next to her friend. He looked up at her, his normally ocean green eyes a lighter hazel color. His eyes were pleading.

She pulled him in a tight embrace like one a mother comforting her child after a nightmare would. She was surprised, though, that he didn't push her away and he didnt yell at her.

He hugged her tighter, silent tears rolling down his cheeks.


	5. Tick Tock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated lately. Life's been hectic. But thank you for sticking by me! The story is coming to a close, but don't breathe a sigh of relief just yet ;)

The warm water ran down his face, mixing with his tears. His hand was pressed against the stone shower wall for support. Olivia had went to his apartment to gather a change of clothes for him because he refused to leave the station in fear of missing something that could lead to the discovery of their missing friend.

He almost refused to leave his seat perched in front of the projector screen where he sat faithfully for a good full day, watching Charlotte cry and sleep and cry some more. The countdown was almost at the 10 hour mark and they still had no idea where she was or what the countdown meant. They could only assume it means death.

He rinsed the suds out of his hair and turned the faucet, gathering a towel and drying himself off absent mindedly. With each passing minute, Rafael was beginning to lose hope.

\--

Carisi brought coffees for everyone as TARU and JT worked on finding Charlotte's location. 

"Here, thought this might do you some good, Counselah," he said softly, handing the warm beverage to him. Rafael didn't take his eyes from the screen, just mumbled out a small 'thank you' and continued. Suddenly, there was a disturbance. A man in a baseball cap was shouting and police were grabbing at his hands that were carrying a small package. 

"Let me go, I have to deliver this!" He shouted angrily and the squad went over to investigate.

"What the hell is going on," Amanda inquired and a uni interrupted, snatching the package away from him. 

"He said he had to deliver this. Its about Charlotte," he said, pointing to the scrawled handwriting that had 'C. Meyers' written in big letters. Rafael gasped slightly and took the package, opening it carefully. It was a tape.

He shoved it in a recorder and pressed play. They all gathered around.

 _Heres a hint: shes still in New York. You have 10 hours to find her or her air supply will be cut off. Tick tock_.

The voice was distorted and there was background noise, but before anyone could process what they were saying, Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac started playing. Rafael stumbled backwards in disbelief, then slammed his hand on the table, startling everyone.

"Wha...Barba what-"

"That son of a bitch is screwing with us!" He shouted and Olivia looked down.

"That song," he said carefully, "that is her favorite song. Gypsy is her favorite song." His furious eyes shifted from the group back to Charlotte on screen. She seemed to be talking, talking into the tape recorder that was left for her in the box. She talked vividly into the device, tears streaming down her face, and Barba wished greatly that he could hear what she was saying.

Carisi and Amanda looked at each other, finally piecing together Barba's outrage. They expected him to be upset - he and Charlotte worked closely for 5 years, they formed a bond. But it was getting obvious that his feelings for her were a bit more serious. They could do nothing but pity him.

"We have to find her."

\----

Audio Techs were working on the recording sent to the squad, trying to find some indication, some clue as to where she might be. Fin was interviewing the man who brought the recording in, hoping to get something out of the idiot. Everyone was on edge. A little under 5 hours were left on the countdown, a little under 5 hours left for their ADA's life, and they still had nothing. Charlotte was sleeping. Every twitch, every shutter, every voiceless whimper she made made breathing hard for Barba. He was advised to stay out of everyone's way because he had been snapping at the squad, critiquing their work ethic or calling their intelligence into question. Everyone knew it was because he blamed himself, so him lashing out at others was merely brushed off their shoulder. He hated the pitying looks he was getting, the looks of 'you did this' or 'don't worry, everything will be fine'. Everything was not fine, he thought. Even if they found her alive, whatever they did to her will haunt her - and him - for the rest of their life. 

He would never forgive himself if they didn't bring her back home safe and sound. He doubts he would ever forgive himself regardless.

_3:56:24_

Barba kept checking in, seeing if progress was made. It was beginning to be distracting, and Amanda didnt want someone to lose it on fragile and irate Barba, so she pulled the anxious man aside.

She sat across from him, looking at him gently.

"Tell me something interesting about her." She spoke.

Barba squinted his tired eyes in confusion. A small smile broke out on Amanda's face.

"I know how you feel about her." Barba looked at his hands.

"Barba, whether you believe me or not, this isn't your fault." He was about to interrupt but she held up her hand to silence him.

"It could've been you in that box. It could've been any one of us. Stop blaming yourself," she said softly and he blinked back tears, avoiding Amanda's stare.

"Tell me something no one else knows about her that you do. Cmon, I know there's gotta be an embarrassing story in there somewhere," she chuckles and Rafael actually smiles. It feels foreign on his face, and he almost feels like he's betraying Charlotte. Amanda waited patiently.

"Well...there was this one time - I think it was during your maternity leave - but we had won a high profile case and we celebrated by going out to dinner. Well the waiter-"

The office door swung open and there stood a breathless Carisi.

"We narrowed it down to three possible locations!"

Barba and Amanda looked at each other and sprung to their feet, following the detective. 

The projector screen was split, half was displaying Charlotte who was currently talking to herself and the other half was a map with three red dots.

His heart gave a leap.

 _They were going to find her_.


	6. We Can

"Ooh and it lights up the night, and you see you're a gypsy," Charlotte sang weakly to herself, her lips painfully chapped and her voice hoarse from screaming.

After she had recorded her farewells, she noticed that time began to seem longer. An hour felt like days, and she didn't know how long she had been in there. Memories of her attackers started coming back to her. She remembered seeing a movie with Rafael that evening - Kill Bill, because she remembered being happy that she finally swayed him in seeing the film.

She remembered the drive home, the warm goodbye, and the overwhelming desire to kiss Rafael right then and there. His face, free of worry and stress, so welcoming and so kind, she wanted to know what it was like to kiss his lips. Charlotte was never one to go after what she wants out of fear of rejection or fear of inadequacy. But with Rafael, she wasn't afraid of unrequited love, she didn't want to change the bond they shared. When she first transfered in from Philadelphia, Rafael wasn't as kind to her as he could've been. He had a guard up, always. But with time, probably within half of the year, his façade slowly started to fall and he let her in. It began with him starting to laugh at her silly jokes - before, he would just roll his eyes or scoff, but then, he started to laugh, sometimes to the point of getting little crinkles next to his beautiful green eyes. He would joke with her, and one snowy night, after a particularly big win, he offered her some celebratory scotch from his special stash in his desk. They drank and talked for hours, even after everyone had already left. Charlotte talked about what book she was reading, Rafael would comment on whether he liked the book or movie, they'd talk politics, music - anything and everything was subject for discussion, and they didn't get tired or bored of hearing the enthusiasm in the others voice or watching the other's face light up when talking about how they had a signed autograph of Fleetwood Mac's album called Rumors.

"No way," he said in astonishment, "You have Stevie's autograph?"

"Sure do," Charlotte said satisfied. 

"I love Stevie," Rafael stated as if he just realized this in his state of being buzzed. This made Charlotte laugh. 

"I can twirl like her, wanna see?" She asked excitedly as she fiddled with the antique record player in the office. He hummed and Gypsy filled the office.

"Its my favorite song ever," she said as she swayed and sang quietly along to the music She wasn't watching where she was going and twirled into the meeting table, knocking over a chair with a high 'oops'. Rafael laughed. He stared at her with a smile on his face as she laughed, picking the chair back up. But his smile slowly dropped, a sad look replacing his previously happy features. Charlotte noticed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" 

He just looked sadly up at her.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you."

She didn't know how to respond, so she sat next to him on their office sofa. He continued.

"I, um, I have a hard time letting people in, you know? With this job, hell, with the people I've come into contact with, I'm just...I thought I'd be better off alone."

Charlotte dropped her gaze from him to the floor.

"You've been nothing but kind to me, and I've been absolutely awful. You don't deserve-"

"Rafael, its OK, I get it. I'm not faulting you. When I first came here, it was right after the Muñoz trial." He grimaced at the thought of his best friend - ex best friend.

"I don't know the specifics, and you certainly don't have to divulge with me, but I know enough that you are _loyal_ , Rafael. So I know how difficult that was for you. But," she nudged his shoulder with small smile, "not every person is a bad person. Not every person is going to disappoint you and hurt you. Pushing people away is going to make for a very lonely life, trust me. And I don't mean to be cheesy and quote _Toy Story_ , but, 'you've got a friend in me'," she sang and he chuckled and met her gaze briefly. 

The rest was history. 

Charlotte smiled at the fond memory, wishing more than anything to be back with Rafael, safe,enjoying his company. She made a promise to herself that if she ever was to get out of this alive, she would tell him how she feels about him.

 _She would tell him in person that she loved him_. But for now, she was here, and she needed to try and remember as much as she could about the night she was taken.

She remembered being woken up from a warm slumber by the unfamiliar touch on her leg. She remembered screaming and being punched and kicked repeatedly in her apartment. Those stark brown eyes burned into hers with such hate and malice, just thinking of them made her hug herself protectively. Charlotte hoped that someone, anyone, would hear her pleas for help, but screaming wasn't enough, so she threw her picture frames at her  attackers to thwart them. She remembers being hit with a weapon, a pistol maybe, and everything went black.

Then she woke up here, in this box, with this death sentence. A skull splitting headache, aching ribs, and a dull soreness in her nether regions accompanied her person in consciousness. After the initial shock was over, she listened to the tape once more. 

She had already been attacked, already been sexually assaulted, she was in pain thinking about what had been done to her that she knew of, let alone what they could've done when she was knocked out. She was in pain thinking about how terrified her friends must be. In this moment, she morbidly thanked god that her family was dead already - _less people to be burdened with this_ , she thought.

Charlotte looked at the tape recorder with resignation. 

"Just in case," she murmered, grabbing the device and flipping the tape over to record. "Just in case." Her eyes welled up with tears as she began to speak.

"M-my name is Charlotte Marie Meyers..."

 

\-----

 

The dreadful countdown was just under a three hours. The squad was working tirelessly to narrow the three possible locations to one and find their friend in time.

"Cross Matsen off the list, he's got an airtight alibi," Fin said and Carisi put a red marker through the name. There was a list of lead suspects they were trying to connect to the locations, but so far, nothing stuck out.

"What about Farrer? He spat on Charlotte after his brother was convicted of that rape charge," Rafael tried and Amanda shook her head. 

"No, after his bid in Rikers he was killed, head-on collision." 

"Damn."

Liv walked in with a very interesting look- a look of relief. She grabbed the marker from Carisi and crossed out 'Queens, NY'.

"TARU is getting somewhere with that signal deemed it impossible to be coming from Queens. So that leaves Brooklyn and the Hamptons. I already alerted both SWAT and police in both jurisdictions, they're just awaiting my call. Let's get to it!"

Hopefulness sprung back into the group and they got back to work.

"Okay, um, where are we with Bruno?" Rafael asked a little more confindently.

"Uuuuuh," Carisi said, picking up his file. "Don't know, hasn't been charged since the aggrivated assault charge." 

Rafael sighed rubbing his temples. 

"How many names we got left, man," Fin said, grabbing his keys.

"Just 3. That we know of," Carisi clarified.

"Does Bruno have the same address?" Fin asked and Carisi nodded.

"Gonna go pay this guy a visit. Keep working and eliminating names," and with that, he was out the door.

They continued working.

 

\-----

 

_1:07:22_

If Charlotte was in the Hamptons, there's a good chance it was already too late - it took about 2 hours from Manhattan to get there by car.

Rafael shook the thought from his mind and was determined to help the squad. Fin still wasn't back yet and he was getting antsy, so he listened to the audio again.

After the man finished talking, he heard a sound- it sounded like some sort of chime being cut off by the end of the tape. A bell, maybe? He didn't know. It sounded vaguely familiar, though. He closed his eyes and focused on the sound, desperately trying to remember where he had heard it before.

Heavy footsteps entered the squad room, followed by the screech of the metal chairs being slid across the stone flooring. Fin returned, breathlessly.

"Talked to Bruno, do we have a guy on the list by the name of Carver?"

Liv pushed her glasses up and looked, eyes widening.

"Yes, we do, why?"

Fin took the red marker and took the cap off.

"Our friend Bruno here said that he and Carver were cell mates. All he would talk about was Barba," he said pointing to Rafael.

"Lemme see the file on him," Amanda said.

Her eyes widened.

"He's got a place in Brooklyn! Says here that he 'stayed at the Lindslow shelter after jail, now currently resides with his cousin!'" Fin crossed out the Hamptons and circled Brooklyn.

"Guys, Charlotte is here," he said pointing to the circled city.

Carisi laughed a sigh of relief but Amanda still held a frown. She looked at the countdown, _0:54:36_.

"Brooklyn is a big city, how are we gonna-"

"I know where she is," Barba said quietly.

That bell. _That bell_. He would hear it from a distance at the same time everyday on his walk to school when he was young. He heard it once when he and his friends tresspassed into the sacred place at night and amost got caught when he was a teenager. He heard it, the familiar chime, when his bastard of a father was buried, taking his hatred and bitterness with him. He heard it chime when he visited his beloved abuelita in her final resting place. He remembers now.

"She's in the Evanswood Cemetery."

 

 


	7. Angel

Carisi set the timer on his watch.

 _54 minutes_.

54 minutes to go to Brooklyn, go to the cemetery, and locate the ADA before she suffocates.

As soon as Rafael disclosed her location by sudden revalation, the squad was out the door. Liv spoke frantically into her radio to the jurisdictional officers, ordering them to go to the cemetery. It was out a ways, not necessarily in the middle of no where, but a ways away from the city. From Manhattan and the Brooklyn PS to the cemetery was about the same distance, so both teams had to haul ass. Fin, Amanda, Carisi, and Barba all loaded into the SUV and followed the Lieutenant.

Rafael would steal glances at Carisi's watch, eyeing the deadening time pass by. 

 _49 minutes_.

 _36 minutes_.

 _22 minutes_.

 _19 minutes_.

Carisi sensed this, and he took one hand off the wheel and patted Rafael's shoulder reassuringly.

"SWAT, medics, the police- we all are comin' for her. She's gonna be just fine."

Rafael looked to the younger man. He didn't remember when he started to dislike the overeager detective less. He forced a smile and looked at the watch again, and then the road signs.

They had 15 minutes. They were almost there.

 

\-----

 

The air conditioning in the box began to fade and the confined space was starting to get to Charlotte again. Beads of sweat formed at her head and lip and she struggled to keep steady and even breaths in the box.

 

"And the child was enough," she crooned, closing her eyes, "enough for me to love..."

Deep breaths, she reminded herself, deep breaths.

"...e-enough for me to love..."

Swirls of vibrant color began to dance across her vision. An unpleasant feeling in her stomach began to rise and she vomited, coughing up the bile to the left side of her head. Charlotte began to sob as she forced herself to sing.

"She's dancing away...f-from you now..."

She wondered if this is what its like to die. Hungry, tired, afraid, alone.

"She was just a wish. She..."

Charlotte collapsed against the glass. She fell into a slumber where she began dreaming.

_In this dream, she was well. She was out of the coffin, clean and happy, and on her way home to meet her lord and savior when woman with a white aura around her approached her._

_Charlotte recognized the perfume from a mile away - White Diamonds, the same kind her mother used to wear._

_She furrowed her brows and concentrated on the angel before her, realization dawning on her that this angel was her mother._

_"Momma?"_

_The angel stepped forward, light highlighting her features. Same eyes, same hair, same nose._

_"Charlotte, darling, you've got to hold on a bit longer, dear. It isn't your time yet."_

_She reached out and held Charlotte's hands in hers, and Charlotte smiled with tears._

_"Momma, I missed you. I missed everyone. I'm sorry I wasn't there at the end..."_

_"Lottie, I missed you, too. And I love you, I can't even begin to express how much I love you. But listen to what I am saying. Don't follow me into the light," her mother said softly and Charlotte frowned._

_"But I- I don't understand..."_

_Her mother walked closer._

_"People need you, baby. You're doing God's work - helping those people get justice for the heinous acts committed against them. You've got a good group of people counting on you. You've got a good man that loves you greatly. They need you. He needs you."_

_Charlotte blinked._

_"Rafael loves me?"_

_"Of course he does. You are scary smart, Charlotte, but not when it comes to reading feelings," her mother joked and she laughed along with her, wiping the tears from her cheeks._

_She looked into her daughters eyes lovingly, wiping away any signs of sadness._

_"I need you to hang on. Hang on a little longer."_

_Charlotte's head began to spin and she gripped onto her mothers arms._

_"Hang on," she repeated._

_"Hang on."_

_"Hang on."_

_"Hang on."_

"Hang on!" A muzzled voice said, bringing Charlotte back to consciousness, but barely.

Her lungs struggled to breathe what little air was left in the coffin. 

"Just hang on, Charlotte, we're gonna get you out!"

Her chest was heaving painfully, her vision fading in and out.

Sounds of metal moving dirt and rocks was the last thing she heard before she her eyes closed and her breathing slowed.

 

\-----

 

9 minutes.

They arrived at the cemetery with 9 minutes left on the clock.

"Look for any fresh graves, anything that would indicate disruption to the lawn!" A cadet called and everyone dispersed.

Rafael eyes frantically looked for a sign, a clue as to where she was buried. Carisi, fast on his heels, had a shovel in hand.

"You know, these guys are sick fucks. Just wait till I-"

"Can we just find her first? We'll worry about how to get away with murder later," Rafael replied distractedly. 

They covered more ground than one would think possible, but still no word on Charlotte.

"How much time is left," he asked worriedly and Carisi looked at his wristwatch.

His face was covered by a worried frown.

"About 2 minutes..."

Rafaels heart dropped for what seemed to be the millionth time this week. Any more disappointments or shocks would surely send him into cardia-

His train of thought was interrupted as he tripped over something, nearly falling to the ground.

It was a metal pipe sticking out of the squares of disturbed grass that was meticulously placed. There were three. His eyes widened.

"Sonny...this is it. She's here!" He shouted and Sonny ran up and started digging.

Rafael took the walkie from Carisi and channeled Liv and the others.

"We found her! We found her, she's," he paused looking at what area of the internment grounds he was in, "she's near the fountain on the East side! Hurry!"

He ran up to the pipes while Carisi frantically dug.

"Charlotte, are you in there? Charlotte! Its me! Its Rafael, just hang on, we're gonna get you out!" He started to help Carisi by digging with his bare hands when a harrowing chime rang in the air.

The timer was going off. Her time was up. They both froze for a moment before Rafael sank back to his knees.

"Just...just keep digging, she could still be alive!" Rafael said, resuming digging only more desperately. 

Carisi complied and tried to mask his uncertainty.

The others came running and helped as soon as they saw the two men.

After about 5 minutes of shouting and digging, a cadet finally hit something. _Plexiglass_.

They hastened to get the remaining dirt off the glass to get a visual of Charlotte.

 

Everyone's heart dropped.

 

"No..." Rafael said barely audible. He ran to the coffin, trying to get a hold of an edge to get it open. Everyone was standing around, Carisi sorrowfully looking down, Fin shaking his head, Amanda staring in disbelief and Liv's hand covering her mouth. Medics were standing by.

"Someone help me! Help me get it open!" He shouted distraughtly and a few officers came to his aid. They pried the coffin open to expose Charlotte. Her lips were blue.

"Cmon, cmon..." Rafael begged quietly as he pressed his fingers to her neck.

A very miniscule pulse was present.

"Hey...s-shes got a pulse! She's got a pulse but she isnt breathing," he shouted and EMTs sprung into action. One gently wrapped Charlotte's limp arm around his neck and carefully lifted her, placing her on a gurney. Fin had to pull Rafael away from the scene as they hooked her up to a manual breathing device.

"Barba, cmon, let them work," he tried gently.

"No, I'm not leaving her," Rafael said, not bothering to take his eyes off of Charlotte. 

It was all too real for him. She didn't look alive. She didn't seem alive. But there she was, holding on like the champion she was.

They wheeled her into the ambulance that was parked on a grave and Rafael tried to climb in with her.

"Woah, sir you can't come in here."

"I'm not leaving her," he said again.

"I'm sorry, but you can't come in. We are taking her to the Brooklyn Hospital Center, you're more than welcome to follow."

Rafael wasted no time in running back to the car he rode in with, only for Liv to take the keys from him because 'he wasn't fit to drive'.

 

The ride there was only 6 minutes from the cemetery. It felt like an eternity. Two eternities. Liv followed closely behind the ambulance and Rafael could see they were still squeezing the pump, trying to reinflate her lungs. 

 

The waiting room was deafeningly silent, despite the large amount of people there in support of Charlotte.

They had no word from the doctors yet as it was touch and go as soon as they arrived.

Rafael hadn't prayed in a long time. _Years_. He'd given up the false hope of there being a God when he was young. He'd pray to god every night as a child to help his father become a better man. One night, after his father had beaten his mother relentlessly, he prayed for his father's death. The following day, his father beat him within an inch of his life, just for looking at him sideways. After that, Rafael didn't believe in God, because God wouldn't allow the pain and torment his mother and he went through on a daily basis. No, he was done. Until tonight.

On this night, he would revisit his former savior. He prayed for mercy. He prayed for a miracle, that God would be Charlotte's Guardian Angel.

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Um...I Love You

 

He replayed the doctor's words in his head, those words that changed everything.

" _We couldn't stabilize her, her organs began shutting down shortly after her arrival to the emergency room. We're so sorry, Mr. Barba. She's gone_."

He didn't cry, not that he could. He had spent her entire absense crying in private - in the shower, in Liv's office. No, he's tear ducts were dry, but it didn't lessen the excusiating pain he was feeling.

Liv was right next to him when he got the news. Her eyes were wet with sadness as she looked to her friend then back at her squad who was quickly approaching the two of them as the doctor walked away.

"How is she, she gonna be alright?" Sonny inquired, eyes tentatively looking at the quiet prosecutor.

Liv placed a hand on his shoulder, ready to give the news.

"No she...um, she passed away."

Amanda gasped and Sonny took a step back, taking in what Liv just said.

They all looked at Rafael, but he couldn't meet their eyes.

"Oh no...Rafael I'm so-" 

Rafael cut Amanda's condolence off with the sounds of his shoes hitting the floor as he walked away. He ignored his name being called, he ignored Liv trying to catch up with him. He only focused on the floor. He made it to the entrance of the hospital when Liv grabbed his arm and turned him to face her.

"What!" He snapped. She took a breath.

"Rafael, I know this is hard-"

"Spare me."

"Just listen to me, please. I don't think you should be alone right now. Your upset, your angry-"

"What, what do you think I'm gonna do? You think I'm gonna kill myself? Huh?" He sneered and tried to turn to walk away but Liv gripped his arm harder.

"No, I'm not saying that, its just," she took a deep breath, struggling to find the right words, "you just found out that someone very important to you died, in a not very peaceful way." His eyes softened and she continued.

"We care about you, we don't want you to go through this alone."

He looked down then back at her again.

"I think, what I need right now is to be alone. I just want to be alone for a while. Okay?"

Liv exhaled and removed her grip, only to replace it with a friendly clasp on his shoulder.

"Okay. Okay. But, will you call me? If you need anything, day or night?" She asked hopefully, just wanting to be there for her grieving friend.

He nodded.

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

He walked away into the cold night without another word. Liv watched him walk under the streetlamps until she could no longer see him.

He clutched his dirt-clad sweatshirt closer to him, grimacing at the smell of the unfriendly soil. Brooklyn was quite far from Manhattan on foot, it was about a 3 hour walk, but Rafael could care less. At least he could clear his head.

 

\-----

 

He finally made it home, kicking off his shoes and removing his dirty clothes, throwing them in the trash. He wouldn't bother with washing them, not with the memories that were now attached to them. He sat on the couch, in the dark, in his boxers, and just thought.

A million images flashed in his head.

_He and Charlotte in court._

_He and Charlotte sharing a drink._

_He and Charlotte watching a movie._

_He and Charlotte taking a walk in the park._

_He and Charlotte kissing._

_He and Charlotte sharing their first 'I love you's'._

_He and Charlotte making love._

_Suddenly he was a passerby, he was watching her from the outside._

_Charlotte being attacked. He watched, eyes filled with rage and he tried knocking down the door to save her. "Leave her alone!" He screamed._

_Charlotte being scared. He was standing above her grave, looking down through the somehow transparent dirt, watching her kick and scream and cry, trying to fight her way out. "Oh my god, Charlotte! Hold on! I'll help you!" But before he could, she started convulsing._

_Charotte dying. She was shaking, wheezing for air and Rafael covered his mouth, sobbing, watching the unpleasant sight before him. "Charlotte I'm sorry...I'm."_

_Charlotte's corpse in her viewing. He doesn't remember how he got there, but he was in a funeral home in the viewing room. His feet were taking him up to see her lying there, despite his pleas for them not to. He didn't want to see her like that. He had saw enough already. Nevertheless, there she was. In that beautiful white gown he saw her in once when they went to a Broadway show together last fall. He had told her outside the show how gorgeous she looked and she thanked him shyly, and had it not been for the sudden clap of thunder that shook them from their thoughts, he would've kissed her. But it was too late now. She was gone. Charlotte's corpse sat straight up in her casket, eyes unclapsing open and mouth opening with a sick pull of the stitches._

_'Its your fault, Rafí.' Charlotte said, eyes absent of the familiar brown pigment now replaced with dead blue._

He jumped, waking up suddenly from the horrible nightmare.

Still on the couch, covered in sweat, and sitting in the spilled Scotch he didn't remember pouring himself. He covered his face in an effort to steady his breathing when his phone buzzed.

He found himself in the terrible position of hoping it was a threat so he could release his tension and anger on someone deserving of it. It was only Liv, checking to see how he was.

 

\-----

 

The case was moving pretty fast. It has been a week since Charlotte's passing and they had all of the evidence they needed for Carver's arrest - they just had to find him. The NYPD knew he was still in Manhattan as traffic cams and civilians place him on various street corners and dodgy bars. The rape kit performed on Charlotte indicated that Carver and an unknown male had in fact raped her repeatedly, most likely while she was unconscious due to the lack of defensive wounds and ligature marks. 

"They didn't sodomize her," ME Melinda Warner said with false insouciance. She had just performed Charlotte's autopsy and gave the courtesy to Sonny and Amanda to put her back in the drawer before they came. 

"But they _did_ rape her," Amanda confirmed and Melinda nodded. She hesitated, then went on: "Vaginally, yes. They were brutal. There was tearing and swelling and well...here's the report, you can look for yourselves," she said, handing the file to Sonny. She just couldn't have this conversation right now. She knew she could be professional, and she knew she had to testify this in court, but right now, the loss of a friend was fresh on her mind. They gave Melinda a quick and sympathetic 'thank you' and left to return to the squad room.

 

"Anybody hear from Barba?" Fin asked, sitting back in his office chair.

"Yeah, Ive been calling him a couple of times a day so far...he's managing. Wanted to know if we at least caught Carver yet." Liv said.

"I'm just surprised he isn't here in his fancy suit working on this case with us," Fin stated, and Amanda shook her head.

"Hey, he just lost someone he loved. Cut him some slack, huh?" Fin held up his hands in surrender and a TARU officer pulled Liv aside.

"Uh Lieutenant, we just listened to this," he said, holding up a tape recorder in his hands.

"OK?"

"Well, it was in the box Ms. Meyers was buried in. Its her recording on one side, she's addressing all of you," he said gently and Liv's eyes widened.

She took the recording in her hands and examined it with her black frame glasses.

She brought it to the conference room and told everyone to meet her in there while simultaneously calling Barba.

"Lieu, what's goin' on-"

She held up a finger to silence Carisi as Barba picked up the phone.

"I'm still alive, Liv, I'm about to take a shower-"

"Rafael, I think you should come to the station right now. We found Charlotte's recording."

Rafael was quiet. He knew exactly what recording Liv was talking about - he remembered seeing Charlotte talk into the recorder and wishing he could hear her voice, hear what she was saying.

"I'll be right there," he said quickly and hung up.

 

\-----

 

Barba supposes that's the fastest he's ever gotten to the squad room from his apartment. He walked in - blue jeans, a black hoodie and ecco sneakers - and hastened to the conference room where everyone was waiting for him.

Liv tried not to make a face at the evident lack of sleep Rafael wore. No one made eyecontact with him, either out of respect or out of pity, but either way, he didnt mind. He hated when people stared. He took a seat and Liv cleared her throat.

"So," she began, "TARU found this tape. Um, its Charlotte. They said she addresses us. I haven't heard it yet, but I figured it would be easier to hear it together rather than alone." She looked directly at Rafael when she said this, then pressed play.

Static, then a weak voice came to head.

" _M-my name is Charlotte Marie Meyers. Um, I'm 34 years old. If you find this tape, or me, p-please notify the Manhattan Special Victims Unit..."_

Amanda's eyes were already glossy. Rafael trained his eyes to look only at the recorder.

_"Um... If I don't get the chance to thank you all in person, I just wanted to say thank you to SVU and Manhattan DA's office."_

Charlotte's voice wavered.

 _"I know how hard you guys tried to find me. I know you guys worked night and day_."

She paused and took a deep breath, continuing.

 _"I guess I'll start with Fin. Um, Odafin Tutuola, when I first came to Manhattan, you were the first person I met. You were really kind, a helluva jokester,"_ she chuckled through her tears, " _but I knew that you lived for the job, you lived for helping the victims, and I always admired that so much. You really should think about taking the seargents exam, old man_ ," she chuckled again, and Fin smiled, the tiniest tear threatening to spill over his waterline. _"I never got to meet your grandchild, or your son for that matter, but if I make it out of here, I really want to meet them! I want to meet as many people as I can, you know, because life is so short."_

Everyone looked down sadly.

" _Amanda Rollins. I know we butted heads sometimes but you need to know that as a detective and as a woman I respect you. You're so fiercely independent and so strong, I only wish I was as strong as you."_

Amanda ducked her head, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand as Sonny patted her back.

" _I had the honor of meeting little Jessie once. She's just like her mama - a fighter!"_ Everyone laughed fondly, except Rafael. He only had the faintest smile on his face.

" _She's so lucky to have you in her life. I'm so proud of how far you've come, Amanda. I wish we could've been closer. I'm sorry for that."_

Amanda got up to grab some tissues and Charlotte continued.

" _Sonny, that ray of sunshine_!" Charlotte laughed and Sonny beamed through his sadness.

" _Your first day on the squad, I remember coming into the squad room and seeing you and that god-awful mustache and thought, 'who is this Dingus?'. But, as I got to know you, you grew with the job. You became more open and aware and compassionate. I'm really proud of you. And I wanted to thank you for always being so positive. Me and Raf_ ," Rafael's heart gave a leap, " _we were given some tough cases, but somehow, you always made sure we were okay, you made sure your squad was OK. Please, don't ever lose that quality, Sonny. The world needs more positivitity. And for God sakes, if I don't make it back alive, would you guys throw Sonny a bone and start calling him 'Sonny!' He asked to be called 'Sonny', so that's what you should call him."_

Sonny laughed tenderly and Liv smiled and nodded at him.

" _Miss Olivia Benson... I want to start by saying it was truly an honor to work with you. You lead your squad with such poise and such strength...I don't even know how to put into words. They're so lucky to have a leader like you. You are so selfless and so brave and you remind me of my mother."_

Liv grabbed a tissue and dabbed at her eyes.

 _"My mama always told me I could do anything, that I can take the world by the short hairs and she was my biggest cheerleader. After the cancer took her...I was a bit lost. I was used to having my mom right there, to talk on the phone with, to set me up with guys she thought would be perfect for me_ ," she remembered fondly, " _to bring me back to the light in particularly dark times. I see her in you, Olivia, especially when you are with your boy, Noah. He's such a sweet boy, and you care so much for him. I was really glad to learn you adopted him, he deserves a mother like you in his life. I would've liked to become a mother someday...maybe I still can, I don't know. But you made this job easier, bearable, because you always had faith in Rafael and I, and in your team. Thank you."_

There was a pause and Rafael wondered if that was it, if she didn't say her goodbyes to him. He wouldn't blame her if she didn't, it was his fau-

" _Rafael_?" He slowly looked up from his hands to the recorder.

 _"Um...I love you_."

His brows furrowed and heat rose to his face. The squad looked at him delicately, Sonny smiling warmly and Fin nodding his way. Liv wondered if she should make them leave for privacy.

 _"I wish I had told you sooner. I thought I had more time. Uh, I would've much rather told you how I feel about you face to face, but given the fact that I was too much of a weenie to do it sooner and now that I'm here, this will have to do, because I can't...I can't die without telling you how much you mean to me."_ Her voice cracks and Rafael swallows the lump in his throat.

" _Do you remember when we won that case and for the first time you invited me into our office for late night drinks?_  she asks and he smiles beside himself. " _You...you apologized for how you treated me. I wasn't upset with_ _you, Rafí. I know that some people have a hard time being...kind, especially after having a tough time growing up. I don't fault you, not one bit. But after that, we grew together. You started to trust me more, we'd laugh together, be angry together, be worried together. You became my best friend. Now, you know better than anyone that growing up, I didn't have a lot of friends. And even though I've had a few serious relationships, being with you felt like more of a partnership_.

" _You don't know how much it meant to me that you were there for me. Like that one time, after my brother James was killed, my first instinct was to call you. It was the middle of the night and yet you still came to my apartment and sat with me until dawn while I cried all over your expensive jacket. And I was there for you too when your abuelita passed. You were there for me, Rafí, in more ways than one, and it kills me that I never got to tell you in person._

" _When we went to the police Gala together," she said with a smile in her voice, "that was the night I discovered I was in love with you._ " A tear, a single tear slipped passed Rafael's eye and he bit his lip. He knew that night, too.

" _We ditched the gala after a couple of dances and we walked along the boardwalk and just talked. We had really shitty ice cream and one of my heels got stuck in a grate and you stepped in someone's vomit, but it was great. It was great spending every minute of it with you and getting to know you. That night, I learned that you like oldies music, just like me, you like really bad kung fu films, uh, you hate soggy sub sandwiches, in fact I remember you saying soggy subs and their makers belong in the fourth circle of hell,_ " Rafael laughed. " _You stole your abuelitas Cadillac at age 13 and drove it around her block a few times, which she never found out. You love Broadway and musicals and your favorite animal is a bunny - which I thought was absolutely adorable because I can just picture crotchety old Rafael holding a little bunny rabbit._

The entire group was smiling fondly at Rafael. He had a smile on his lips, but his eyes still screamed sadness.

" _That night meant a lot to me, and every other one I've spent with you. I guess you could call them 'dates' even though you never explicitly stated that they were, just merely asked for my company,_ " she chuckled lightly. " _So many chances to kiss you but I was too afraid_." She sighs. _"I don't know if you felt_ the same way about me," Rafael looked up, " _but I want you to know...that I love you. If you don't feel the same way...then I guess im sorry for making this weird. But if you do, that's good! That's good. And, if you find this tape and I'm... And I'm dead, please, don't blame yourself. I know you, Rafí. I know you'll place blame on yourself, but listen to what I am saying: I do not blame you for what they did. I do not blame you for any of this, no matter what they may say. You didn't do this. Okay? You didn't do this. I love you, and I don't want you to carry this with you. I want you to be okay after this. I want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy. Promise me you'll try?"_

Rafael blinked as tears strolled down his face, everyone in the room looking away out of respect.

 _"I love you Rafael Barba. Bye for now_."

The ticking of the recorder indicating the end of the take filled the somberly silent room. Rafael sat frozen, not knowjng what to to do or how to react. Fin, Amanda and Sonny left the room so Liv and Rafael could talk in private.

"She loved me.." He says stunned, still staring at the recorder across the table.

"Yeah, a lot," Liv smiled, tears of her own staining her cheeks.

He laughed in disbelief. "I never even got to kiss her. No matter how many times I wanted to." Liv nodded, understanding.

"Yeah, well from the sounds of it, she missed ample chances of kissing you too."

More silence.

"I didn't know your favorite animal was a bunny."

Rafael looked at Liv and cocked his eyebrow. He knew what she was trying to do, she was trying to cheer him up.

"I expected you to be a cat person, or the very least, a turtle person."

"Really? Why a turtle?"

"I don't know, you just look like you like turtles." 

"I like turtles, I guess."

She laughed, thinking back to the viral video of the kid proclaiming his love tmfor turtles. Rafael mustve too, because he was smiling as well.

She looked at him for a moment.

"You feelin' a little better?"

He nodded his head once.

"I mean, it was hard. Hearing the tape. But just knowing that she loved me. That she actually cared about me and didn't blame me even though I still blame myself. Just...get the bastards who did this to her and give me 5 minutes alone with them. Then I'll be a-okay."


End file.
